Trapped in a hole
When I was 17 years of age a friend called me who was recently turned to Christ by his older brother, he was crying and was worried about me. he said “I don’t want you to go to Hell please come to Christ.” He used words close to that. I was moved by his love and tears, so I accepted Christ. Or so i thought, the problem was I didn’t truly know what I was doing, nor did I understand the cross, the blood or the resurrection. I did however want to do what was right, and I didn’t want to goto hell. As long as doing right didn’t get in the way of having fun.
I lived in this world of Semi-Salvation for about 15 years. Always if I was asked if i were saved I would reply yes, and think back to that day, the fact is I thought I was but i didn’t know I was. I didn’t live like a true Christian however, and I didn’t understand the doctrine nor did I thirst or study the Word of God. I wasn’t much different than alot of Christians I know. I talked the talk but I didn’t walk the walk.
I went through a period where I searched every religion and every method I could to find God, except the bible. I became an expert in all the worlds religion, I came so close so many times but was always left unsatisfied. I developed a great respect for other beliefs, I enjoyed so many discussions on God but I never found The Way. The way that spoke to my heart.
I lived through a long period of darkness desperately searching for something that would work, looking for the connection to the creator. The whole time praying for God to show me the way. I only had faith because I had never had a prayer unanswered. I held on to the little spec of faith I had and kept on it. Always thinking back to that day that I was 17 but still trying to do it “My Way”
It’s amazing how God will lead you even when your lost.
I lived through depression and a suicide attempt.
I loved through a period of Alcohol abuse.
I lived through a failed marriage.
This part of my life I refer to “the time of darkness” Where I stumbled in the dark looking for the light.
But if asked about God, I thought I knew it all. I studied the bible to argue with believers, what scares me know is that I still knew it <The Word> better than most of believers that I have met.
Please study the bible yourself, enjoy the comments of others, but study it yourself, for your sake don’t rely on others to tell you what it means. Remember we are to follow the Shepherd, not the sheep dogs, though they mean well, they do not know where the Shepherd may lead, for they must follow him as well.
“The Sun Rises”
This is the part I refer to as the “Dawn of my new life.”
Yet another prayer had been answered, I had found a new Wife. Of course we came together the wrong way and were married in haste but we were Married in the eyes of God by Chaplin Gale Lyon. Yet God still leads the lost.
I prayed to stop smoking, I did.
Her faith was stronger than mine and so was her patience, she led me to God in such a subtle way. We began our life together, after a little more than a year we found a house and started looking for a church. Still I wasn’t a true Child of Jesus, just in words but not in heart.
Then a terrible thing happened, Chief Keith Lyon, Gale’s son, Died in a car accident. Chief was a God fearing Christian, honest, respected, he exemplified what it was to be a Christian. I respected and looked up to him,I wanted to grow into a man like he was. I though I had all the time in the world to learn from him.
The Sunday after his death, Mothers Day, My wife and I went to his church, to be there for Gale and Ruth
Trip to Chicago found bible.org
The FM radio in my car quite working, I could only pickup AM Church Stations, I found LWF.org and borntowin.net
Joined the church
I prayed for faith and belief in God, then I had this dream.
I found myself trapped in a hole in the ground. The top was covered with a rope mesh about a half a foot square, I could only get my head through it, my shoulders would not fit. I tried to dig out from underneath it where it was in the ground but it was cover with very large fire ants and they would sting me and keep me from digging out. If I had gotten out I would have just been attacked by the many large dogs that patrolled the parameter.
I went into the hole and found several levels of jail cells, they were full of people with no regard for life, not even there own. It gave them pleasure to hurt people and they look at me like I was a line of coke to an addict. I knew they wanted to rip me apart. That their greatest pleasure would be tearing me to pieces. I wasn’t afraid of them because there were bars between us, but they and I both knew that the gates were about to swing open, somewhere there was a jailer and he was about to open the bars. Like dogs at the track they’d spring from their cages and pounce on their victim.
I went further down and found myself in a furnace room where there were rows of hot furnaces. They were all cool to the touch but I knew that it would be very hot soon, that they would be ignited again. When these heaters got hot nothing would stop their heat, they would burn the very earth, all the cages and cells would get white hot. The only thing that could be done to keep the temperature down would be to throw scores of people into the burners, there blood would cool furnace and put out the flames, but only temporarily. There would need to be tens of thousands of victims’ blood to keep this fire from consuming earth, and these fires would only burn for 20 minutes at a time. I wasn’t concerned because I knew that just one level below there were more than enough people lined up and waiting to be slaughtered and fed to the flames.
I knew that it was only a matter of time and I was in a panic, I knew that the fires were about to be lit, and the cages were about to be opened, I would be over run by those in the cages and there would be no way to reason with them. My only hope was that they would bash my brains out of my skull before they through me to the flames, So my blood would cool the furnace and keep them alive another minute. Every thing was frozen in time, the ants and the dogs the inmates and the flames. Like a computer program that was waiting to be ran, or a game that was about to start. I knew that there was a countdown to chaos. I didn’t know when it would start but I knew it was soon. I had to get out before it began. I was on my own.
I found a car and a another who was trying to get out as well and was able to drive out to the top and break past a gate. As I drove out the gate, I realized that I was driving into the compound and my partner was now my accuser, accusing me of trying to escape. Alarms were sounding, it had begun. The gates were opening and it was on. I was alone, my throat was dry and was about to fight for my very life. That would surely end before the half hour was over. There was no hope.
Then I woke up.
I realized I had just dreamed of hell, I knew it was hell because there was no God. No God to save me, he wasn’t in the compound, he wasn’t in the jail cells, he was not in my heart, he was nowhere in the place. What I realized too was that this whole time he was never in my thoughts, why didn’t I think of Jesus? Why didn’t I Pray? Why didn’t I ask for help? This was truly hell.
The room was quiet and dark and cold, the furnace had just come on. I realized that I couldn’t feel the presence of anything that I felt very, very alone. My wife stirred next to me. Was she my partner or my accuser? I kissed her and told her I loved her she gave me a satisfied moan. She was my partner. My mouth was still dry and fragments of the dream were still cutting my mind. I prayed “God why didn’t I think of you? Why didn’t I ask for you? I was in the Valley of the shadow of death and I feared the evil!! Lord why didn’t I include you? Why weren’t you there?” I still felt alone, no answer back nothing. I called out to God , no answer, I tried to meditate on him and found nothing, just emptiness, tried a lot of things alot of Prayers, to GOD, Jehova, I thought I needed to call out to the right name. Scripture was running thru my head.
I tried so many ways.
Except one.
Then it occurred to me.
I Asked Jesus to come back into my life, the air I was breathing turned cooler and fresher. I found myself re-affirming my life to Jesus. RE-GIVING myself to God. For the first time I knew what being “saved” was.
I started thinking what if I had died in my sleep, would this have been what happened to me? Have I been too proud? Have I tried to push God out of my life? I’ll have to deal with these questions now but I thank God that I can. I didn’t mind being in that place, but I did mind being there alone.
It’s now 5 am and I’m thanking GOD for another day.
4/07/2007 received a gift from my Mother in law Sue, which prompted me to add even more to this log.
What I Pray for now: To know God’s word as he chooses me to know it. To surround me with the people that can help me understand my place in God’s plan. Not theirs, For me to follow God, as his servant and to help other find their way to God, not to mislead anyone with my own ideas or my own point of view.
4/22/2007 Fasting
Last night I received a thought that I should fast today, I asked God to show me a sign to tell me whether this was what he wanted or something else. I woke up this morning and my wife was fixing me a special breakfast that I’m sure she would have been upset I had turned it down. I took this as a not yet or a no. Then I went to church this morning and there was writing on the program, “If anyone wants to be my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” Mark 8:34 This is one of many verses quoted in books I’ve read about fasting. I took this as a yes. It’s now 20:20 and I’m fairly moody. I’ve listened to the Gospel of Mark, spent some time at the Y with my Wife and Son at the pool and the hunger pains have come gone and come again. This is much the same as dealing with an addiction. It is defiantly denying. One thing for sure my ears are more open, when I deny my flesh it quiets down and allows me to hear the little voice. I have to be careful to monitor my mood though.
Next day,
I’m not sure if it’s allergy’s but today i just feel strange, tired and a bit run down. Kinda hung over. I’ve fasted before and never felt like this. I’m mentally drained as well i don’t want to focus or think allot. I hope i feel better in the morning.
7/25/2007
Today at VBS I learned that the Greek word for FAITH means “to trust” and “Obey”, that word means much more to me now. Thanks Lee!
Oh yea and earlier today I prayed to know why it was so important to believe. Makes since now.
8-9-2007
I’ve been Praying for the miners that are alive or dead due to a earthquake. Least that’s the story they are telling us now. Also i had a profound night last night but i cannot remember anything of it. It seems that I’ve been having dreams about talking with Jesus, but i can’t remember them. At one point last night i awoke several time feeling fear, I asked for help and didn’t awake again till this morning. I have also been praying for Love and a better conscience. To be a better husband and father. I’ve been gossiping allot and harsh with my words, I need God’s help with that.
8-13
Minors are still trapped, had a weekend in NC with Mom. Glad to see her, I’m just praying to grow and make it through the days. Been reading Joshua, and trying to find time to meditate.
October 12th 2007
It’s been almost one year since my dream and I’m starting to crucify my flesh. In other words, fasting. I have asked God for help and I have been able to go with out meat all togather for 1 week, I allows myself fish the second week, will allow fowl and white meat the third. Prok and Beef on the forth, but lots of friut and veggies, then no meat and i may try for just fresh juice for a day here and there. Also i havn’t enjoyed drinking like i used too, it seems that alcohol has lost it’s taste. I am going to goto the brew fest this weekend, and see how God leads me.
I have been studying more and more.
I have enjoyed this site, http://www.calvaryknoxville.org
1 year and I’m in awe of what God has worked in my life.
March 15th 2008
WOW it has been quite a while since I’ve posted here. I woke up from haveing a dream about my father. Apparently it was my mothers Birthday and he came back from the dead for a visit. Just to have a birthday dinner with us. then he returned to God, and I woke up crying like a baby. I miss you Dad.
Well now I am getting up every morning at 6 am and haveing a littlequite time. I talked to Ruth yesterday about this and asked her what I was supposed to do with this time and one of the suggestions she made was to keep a notebook, A prayer Journal, Well that what this was suppose to be.
I haven’t been keeping it up like I should, but I’m going to keep trying.
Here is what I’ve been praying for:
For my Family to be brought to God and know God’s greatness.
For My Pasters Church and MR and Mrs. Crisp, That God will keep speaking to them and guiding them.
For God to simply bring the blessings to me that he knows I need. I’ve gone from asking for specific things to just asking God to take care of me. I know he knows better what I need. I don’t, looking back I know that there were times i should have prayed for faith instead of strength. God has always known. I’m no longer going to try to impose my will on God but instead I’m just asking for his will be done in my life. Makes things easier.
March 29th 2008
Praise God, I have not smoked now for 3 years, I have found a peace that i never knew i could feel, my mother is now useing my dad’s quilter with my help, his legacy live on.
I pray for Preston and his up coming surgery, I’m learning that we are truly lost at sea being blown around by the wind. God is allwe have and without hin we can do nothing. thank you God for all that you have done and all that you are.
Also I pray for My friend Keith, I pray for my Mother Sue and hope she is not being mislead. I feel it’s time to unlock this page.
Peace be with you all!
8/16/2008
Well, I just had something interesting happen. I was in my office, a normal Saturday morning, and I got a notion to play a few praise songs, not really my style, but, why not, it’s the sabbath. By the 1st minute of the second song I was crying like a baby, and had no idea why. I didn’t feel bad or hurt or even moved, but I was crying like I had just seen my favorite dog hit by a truck. I really can’t explain it. By the 3rd song I was on my knees facing the window, tears rolling out of my eyes in a steady stream. Into the forth song I decided to close my office door, not out of shame but this experience was starting to become very personal.
As I was kneeling “in my minds eye”, I could see my savior up on the cross”. I have heard about this before but always just passed it off as a fanatical religious thing. But he was there and I could see him, and I knew it was my sins that put him there, and I knew that he loved me. and I cried, and felt so unworthy. This is a hard thing for a grown man of 34 to admit.
I prayed again for the Lord to come into my life, but it was different this time, this time I meant it even more, I wanted him to get down off that cross and have my life. His sacrifice demands no less, sure I’ve heard these things in services before, but this time I truly understood it. I prayed not long ago to see Jesus, I believe this morning that prayer was answered. I didn’t see him embodied, nor did i feel the touch of his hand, But I saw his sacrifice, I felt the pain of my sins, how minor compared to his love for us.
From now on I pray that the Lord will give me the guidance I need to simply be there for him, to love him, and to worship him the way he intended it from the beginning. By living a life of service and love to him.
EW
8/30
My Wife and I are finally Baptise. I’m wishing now that I had dated things better, I know that this marks a day a time before when things happened. Just don’t know what or when. I seem to think it was about this time 2 years ago that my radio quit working, just not sure though. Austin is playing football and my wife is pregnet comeing up on 7 weeks, you can guess that now i’m praying for my family to be healthy and safe. I am also praying to be a good Father, and alot of grace to come into my heart.
I’ve been reading tons of books in my spare time, other than the Bible and faith training i’ve done 4 bible studys off of Khouse.org Genisus, How we got our bible, the Bible in 24 hours, and now am in the second week of Revelation. I’m also almost done reading restoreing Broken things, I started reading my Dad’s bible after he died, from start to finish. presently I’m near the end of Kings. Looking back, alot of things have changed in the last 2 years. Al and all 2008 has not been a good year, alot of death and trials like I couln’t have imagined. on the other hand I’ve grown alot spiritually. I feel that I have gorwn even closer to God, Despite looseing my father.